Deployed Living - Part IV, Mother's Day was a bummer without my babies Published May 14, 2012 By Master Sgt. Tracy L. DeMarco 376th Air Expeditionary Wing Public Affairs TRANSIT CENTER AT MANAS, Kyrgyzstan -- Yesterday was the first Mother's Day that I didn't get to hug and kiss my daughters. I'm certainly not asking anyone to feel bad for me. I became a mother later in life than most, and I'm lucky to be at the end of my military career having spent only one Mother's Day away from my children. There are literally thousands of service members that have spent countless Mother's and Father's Days deployed. Yesterday, I joined them in that heartache. My deployment to Afghanistan in 2009 to 2010, was my first deployment as a mother and it was the first deployment in which I felt severe amounts of fear. I didn't necessarily fear dying or being wounded. My biggest fear was not making it home to raise my children. I couldn't stomach the idea of them growing up without their mom, and a combat zone certainly compounded my conundrum. I acquired two small military pillows on my way to Afghanistan. I remember buying the Army print pillow at the Fort Dix military clothing sales shop while I was in combat training and I think I got the Marine print pillow for free from an airport USO. Little did I know how important these pillows would become. I have a history with sentimental pillows. For my very first deployment, my mother hand embroidered a small white pillow with a green flower. Green is my favorite color. She wanted me to have something I could hug if I felt sad or lonely while deployed as a United Nations weapons inspector in Baghdad, Iraq. However silly this may sound, I hugged that pillow. When I was deployed to Afghanistan with my two small pillows, I was informed that I may have to remain in place with my provincial reconstruction team in Farah for longer than the originally tasked nine months. That evening, I sobbed and squeezed those two little pillows as if I was holding my girls. After that night, I routinely slept holding onto them. After returning from Afghanistan, my two small military pillows made their own personal journey to our linen closet next to the green embroidered flower pillow. They remained there, safe, cozy and kept until I received my current deployment tasking to the Transit Center at Manas, Kyrgyzstan. Those two military pillows were some of the first items I packed for my trip here. Last night, minutes before I lay down to sleep, I spoke to my daughters. They both said, "Happy mommy's day mommy!" My 5-year-old showed me a flower that she picked out for me at church. She twirled it in front of the camera that allowed me to peak at her pretty face while she described the flower. "It is a purple flower but it looks blue on the screen," she said. "But look mommy," she exclaimed, "It has green leaves and green is your favorite color!" Missing my daughters on Mother's Day, I hugged my pillows after that phone call. In a little over three months I will retire from the Air Force. During my ceremony I plan to invite my daughters to sit on the edge of the stage with me and I'm going to give them my two small military pillows. I'm having them embroidered here in Kyrgyzstan with a horse picture and short inscription. The horses will be pink and orange, their favorite colors. I won't need those pillows anymore. I will be done deploying and all my future Mother's Days will be spent holding my beautiful girls. However, I will never forget the military mothers who are sacrificing time away from their children on that second Sunday in May, who are fighting to keep my family safe and free. I will hug my green embroidered flower pillow and think of you and your babies.