The lazy Soldier’s guide to retirement investing Published Nov. 9, 2007 By Maj. Nick Bell 379th Expeditionary Operations Group SOUTHWEST ASIA -- So, ya' sat through any of those upbeat financial "news" shows on TV lately? You know the ones: graphics streaming from ever corner of the screen, punch button sound effects, predictions of assured doom one day, followed by palpable rally the next. After watching these, or any shows like them for just a few minutes, and even the half-inclined channel flipper can easily get the impression that world is spinning out of control. These hard-driven hosts press into their viewers without mercy, sending the message that anyone with the intention of just sitting on their couch with remote-in-hand is on the definite path of to financial extinction. That is unless; you have in the other hand a phone readily dialing your slick-haired broker in an urgent attempt to make stock trades based out the latest ebb and flow of the "breaking" marketplace alerts. Fear not fellow couch dwellers, there is hope. In fact, there's lots of hope. These tactics of trade now or be left behind, are sorely outdated (we are talking beyond your parents era here); for at the very best what you are witnessing are the lame attempts of broadcasting networks trying to fill 22 minutes of commercially sponsored brain fodder. While there may be some fact in the numbers being fed to you (or should I say shoveled), for most of us non-professional investors looking for a respectable retirement there is little to no relevance to what they have to say. Here's why. For far too long serious investors in for the long haul have known that one of the biggest avenues to financial emancipation has been through massive portfolio diversification, aka mutual funds, more specifically Index mutual funds. Not through the hunt and peck of single stock trades that media speculators would have you to believe. Spreading your money in bulk across the world's marketplace in this manner is often referred to as "the only true free lunch on Wallstreet". That is, it's possibly one of the most simple and efficient methods to help you capture the market's return for years to come. Here's the kicker, Index investing is as easy as 'Set it, and Forget it' (Ron Popeil, eat your heart out). One could easily get away with reviewing their indexed portfolio at just once a year, say on your birthday. Finally, an investing approach sophisticated enough to gain the approval of Noble Prize winning economists, while still lazy enough for those who wake at 11 a.m. scratching our bellies, fumbling for the X-box controller. So where does one go to get started? After all there are over 8,000 mutual funds to choose from. The Wall Street Journal? Money Magazine? Don't bother with either one. You can skip wading through the swaths of financial analysis and simply visit the mypay.dfas.mil site. There you'll find the Thrift Savings Plans, Airman Sleepy's own index fund filled 401K with global diversification, zero commissions, extremely low expenses and zero hype. Set up your monthly contributions to a "Lifecycle Fund", and then walk away. Sound too easy? Well that's the point! Don't get me wrong, a lazy approach to life isn't always conducive to championing marathons, barn raisings or winning wars. But where exactly is it said that becoming finically independent requires burning more calories than not mowing your lawn? Lazy? Yes. Careless and ignorant? Absolutely not. And the best part of it all, is that you can ensure you'll have a comfortable retirement before your third bowl of cereal for dinner.